I have a toddler. Shocker, I know.
She’s 3. THREE! 1, 2, 3!!!!
And I am about to say something else. I am not a very good mother. In fact? I suck at this mothering thing.
The whining? I hate it. It grates on my very last nerve. The tantrums? I want to run away when they happen. And it all just doesn’t. stop. It’s never ending.
She wants to watch a certain movie? We don’t have it. Tantrum.
She wants to listen to a certain CD in the car? I brought it in the house to copy to iTunes and never put it back in the car. So she kicks my seat in front of her and… Tantrum.
She wants X, Y or Z to eat? We don’t have X, Y or Z. We have A, B or C. Tantrum.
She doesn’t want me to put her to bed, she wants daddy. Tantrum.
She doesn’t want her daddy to help her get out of her car seat, she wants me to help. Tantrum.
She doesn’t want daddy to drive the car from point A to point B, she wants me to. Tantrum.
She doesn’t want Guinness to eat the piece of chicken nugget she dropped OR threw on the floor. Tantrum.
She doesn’t want to wear feety pajamas, she wants to wear her summer pajamas IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER. With no feeties. AND SHORT SLEEVES. Tantrum.
She doesn’t want to wear her snow boots. She wants to wear her patent leather party shoes. IN THE MIDDLE OF WINTER. IN 6 INCHES OF SNOW. Tantrum.
Basically if you can think of anything remotely logical. Or if it is something you think makes perfect common sense. She’s got a tantrum in her magic hat of tricks to rival it.
Have we been too lenient with her?
Is this what all 3-year olds are like?
Am I now going to get 5,000 comments saying, “whoever told you the terrible 2’s are the worst, was wrong, and they should’ve warned you about the horrific 3’s instead, because 3 is far worse than 2”?
I’ve tried time outs. And to time outs she nods and says…”I WANT time out, mommy”. And I’ve even tried time outs that basically restrain her in my lap so she can’t move her arms and legs so she can’t hit or kick.
I’ve tried bribery. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
I’ve tried ignoring it.
Am I doomed to have a daughter that hates me?
And here is where I confess a little bit. I have resorted to pulling her hair to get her attention stop her from running out into the parking lot after being told to hold hands for the umpteenth time. I’ve resorted to taps on the cheek when she’s spitting on purpose. I’ve resorted to yelling when she’s standing on the top of the back of the couch about to fall and break her neck.
I’ve become the bad guy. If LFD has a problem while I’m not around, Li’l Foot gets told, “I’m going to tell mommy your cousin took you to the potty and you wouldn’t go and then you peed on the big round bean bag chair in the Apple store*.” Just for shits and giggles, why doesn’t he just throw in a “Wait until your mother gets home, young lady!”???
It’s just not fun being a mom anymore. I feel like a bad mom. I hate disciplining. Am I disciplining too hard? I just don’t have the patience for it anymore. And she’s ONLY THREE!!! I’m a bad mom, I know it. I see glimpses of my dad in me and it scares the ever loving shit out of me. He was a yeller. The hair pulling? That was all mom (Hi…mommmmm!!! Love you!!!). But man oh man, my dad was the yeller and I didn’t like it back then and I don’t like it when I catch myself doing it today.
I just want to be a good mom, and I just don’t think I am. And it hurts my heart.
*Events actually did take place, just yesterday, in fact.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?!!
ARE YOU BEING FOR SERIOUS?!?!?!!
Lets start with the facts:
1. You’re a great mom
2. Your daughter loves you
3. Three year olds are basically gods way of reminding you that the devil is real and that you best be on your good behavior.
4. Everyone has shitty days.
5. You get to be a better version of you tomorrow.
6. You are very very loved.
I love you – hugs.
Yes, totally serious. I…I…I just catch myself in those heated moments that she is standing on my last nerve and I want to cry and I yell and when I yell I catch a glimpse of my childhood with my dad and it hurts. so. much. All those times he yelled in fits his manic depressive state and I just think…”Oh my God, is that him all over again, in me? Am I manic depressive?” I live in fear of it every single day and deep inside where I don’t share things and where I store things that I really should talk about but don’t, I think “Oh my God, I should never have been a mother knowing that I could wind up like my dad.” And I judged my sister Pam for yelling at Cara and Veronica when they were kids. How dare I? We battled about that when she lived at my moms house. I saw her yell at her girls and I shuttered, remembering how my dad would yell at us.
Loving you Cass.
Peggy
Do I need to drive to your house this time and smack you around?
A bad mother? WTF?! You’re a bad Mom if you beat your child, neglect her, lock her in her room or just plain ignore her 24/7.
You’re dealing with the same bullshite everyone of us has, or will, deal with and it SUCKS!! Yes, three was worse than two. I had many a moment that I wanted to either run away or lock myself in the laundry room with vodka.
Here’s what I learned: consistency is key. With Morgan, it was time out. When time out became something she seemed to enjoy, I made it far less enjoyable. I made her….wait for it….KNEEL IN THE CORNER! And not on the carpet, either. In the entryway. On the tile.
It was also losing a beloved toy. If her behavior blew goats, she’d get ONE warning to knock it off. If/when it continued, whatever toy she’d been playing with, it went on top of the fridge. I wanted her to see it. She’d get pissy, she’d ask for it, but she’d then be reminded HER behavior caused the toy to be taken away and perhaps she needed to remember that.
I give Morgan two choices for meals–if she picks one and then refuses to eat it, that’s fine. It goes in the fridge. When she asks for a snack, guess what she gets? If she happens to go without eating said meal, too bad for her. Her pediatrician assured me one or three missed meals here and there is NOT going to harm her.
My opinion? Parents today (myself included at times) are too easy on their children. We want to be the good guy, we want them to think we’re the most fantastic thing since Color Wonder markers. My parents were NOT. No, they didn’t beat us, they didn’t neglect us. They stood their ground, they were firm when it came to discipline. They expected a certain behavior and if it wasn’t delivered, prices were paid.
I love my daughter more than anything and would lay down and die for her. But…BUT….I am NOT her friend. I am her mother. I will be her friend when she’s out of my house and has her own family. Until then, I am her MOTHER. She WILL respect me. She WILL respect others. She WILL behave properly.
Morgan knows the “rules”. When a certain behavior rears its ugly ass head, she now looks quickly to one of us, gets The Look and will either apologize or move on to something else.
Sweet Lord….this comment is LONG. And, it’s probably a mess and makes no sense. I’m totally leaving it, too
Hang in there—be firm and consistent with what you expect from your girl. She WILL get it. She WILL learn certain behaviors will no be tolerated. You’ve got this. You’re a fantastic Mama
YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER! REPEAT! YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER!
This kid? Is smart. She’s also a mini you. She is stubborn and full of will and Lord Almighty has she got you figured out. She knows exactly what’s going to set you off. And she capitalizes on it at the worst times. BECAUSE SHE KNOWS. IZ SMAHT.
Kellie is right. Consistency is key. Don’t threaten the time-out. Don’t ask her if she wants one. She just gets it. In the same place every time. And since she’s 3, she gets to sit for 3-minutes. And if she says she wants it? Then perhaps she knows that she NEEDS it. She might just need to cool off and get control. When the three minutes is up, it’s OVER. No grudges. No reminders. If she misbehaves again, it’s RIGHT BACK to Time-Out. It’s possible she’ll spend the whole day there! That’s okay!
I’m a HUGE time-out supporter. I also watch SuperNanny reruns on CMT and eat bon-bons (and take notes).
First of all: SHE’S NOT A TODDLER. Have you looked at her lately? She doesn’t toddle any more. She walks like a real person!
Now for the issue at hand. Stick to your guns. Be tough. AND BE PROUD OF IT. You’re not her friend. You’re not supposed to be her friend. That will come much later. You have to earn it by being her mother first. How will she know you care if you don’t insist on certain standards of behavior? It’s the easiest thing in the world for a mom to say “yes”. It’s hard to say “no”. It’s easy to give them what they want. It’s hard to insist on what you know is best.
Think about your own childhood. How many time have you and your siblings said to me “You would never have allowed that” after witnessing unacceptable behavior from a child. (Your brother said that to me just the other day.) I take that as a complement. It means I did my job. I was the “bad guy” and I’m proud of that. I’m proud that you remember me that way. I’m proud that you know I cared enough to insist on the best. Be the bad guy. It’s ok to get mad at her. She needs to know you have feelings and emotions, too. But don’t give in. Don’t compromise your standards. It’s tough love. Be PROUD of it. Forget the guilt. Guilt has no place here.
Punish bad behavior and reward good behavior.
Oh, and one more thing: get a nice big laundry basket!
Luvya,
Mom
You mean I have another 2 years of this??? I was really hoping just maybe it was the terrible 1s, and the only reason he acts like this is because he can’t communicate what he wants… And when he starts being able to say exactly what he wants this will all be over! WAAAHH!!!
Can I tell you something? I feel exactly the same way. ALL THE TIME! My 1 year old drives me crazy! I didn’t even think that was possible! I mean he’s 1, how bad could he be right? Sometimes I think he acts the way he does on spite! But then I think no way, he can’t be, he’s way to little to understand, right? And then I see him grinning at me right before he’s about to climb up on the table, or do a face plant over the top of the couch! I swear this kid has no fear! And then I’m a bad mom, because I can’t always get there fast enough… And all the bumps and bruises – Oye! And forget about taking him out in public, I can only go places loud enough to cover his crying, because God Forbid he has to sit still for more than 30 seconds! I just keep telling myself I will make it through this, I can do this. I remind myself how lucky I am to have him, how much I love him, and think of all of the sweet things he does, like the running hugs and the raspberries on my cheek, and I know it will be fine. We’ll make it through. Maybe with a few more grey hairs, but we’ll be fine. And in a few years, we’ll be wishing they were that little again, and missing all of the “cute” things they did!
Oh, sweetie. I know I’m not a mom, so I don’t *really* know, but I do know that she is a normal three-year-old, and three-year-olds will DRIVE A GIRL TO DRINK. God love ‘em, I used to dread when they would ask me to work with the preschoolers, even for a half hour. No one tries your patience quite like a three-year-old. I can tell you this, though: You are an awesome mom. You love your girl fiercely & you want her to grow up into a fine young woman (some day far far FAR in the future) which means that these particular behaviors can’t hang around forever & it’s your very-not-fun job to teach her that they are unacceptable–which leaves you feeling like the perpetual bad guy. You do it out of love though and that is part of what makes you a great mom! She’ll survive & so will you. Also? Ditto everything Pocklock said. (((HUGS)))
Oh dear! Establishing rules, guideliness and boundaries for your daughter do not make you a bad mother – even if your girl tries to make you feel that way (that’s why she is throwing a fit after all. Maybe if you feel guilty enough, she’ll get what she wants. Smart cookie).
However, the only advise I can give you is to never lose your own temper. Yelling at her, especially out of frustration, will only make the situation worse.
A time out is as much for you as it is for her.
I grew up with an alcoholic mother, who was incredibly abusive. My biggest fear was that I would parent like she did.
I made a conscious effort to never raise a hand toward my kids, to never yell at them and to step away the minute I thought I was going to lose it. Sometimes it was really hard, I faltered once and to this day crinche at how poorly I handled that situation and that was 14 years ago.
My kids had rules and there were times they didn’t like me much – and that was ok cause, like someone else just told you – we are mothers, not friends. Timeouts were my best friend – so was taking away TV, desert, video games or a favorite doll. Yup, and I did send them to bed without dinner once or twice – and look, they survived. Oh, and I mastered “that look”. The threat of punishment in most cases was enough to stop the behaviour. But you cannot buckle. Not once! You are in charge and in control. Similar to business, you don’t need to raise your voice to be successful.
I understand your fear of becoming like your dad. I carried that fear with me every day. It is a good fear to have because it will prevent us from becoming like them, from being them.
You are doing a great job! Look at those pictures of your girl – how she smiles from ear to ear, how relaxed she looks, how happy – and know that you are responsible for that! That is what your parenting is doing and that is pretty awesome!
Had same problem. There are a million parenting books for sale so I went to my child’s pediatrician who suggested: Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child: Eliminating Conflict by Establishing CLEAR, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries
by Robert J. Mackenzie
First rate & Should be in most libraries.
I have little doubt that you are a great mom. The fact that you worry about not being a great one means you are trying hard!
3 sucks. 3 is going to be the death of me. And if I survive, I’ve got a second one who will be 3 in 1.5 years. GAH!
I get so tired of the whining and the attitude – I really am seeing attitude I didn’t think I would see until she was a teen. Every single night when I go to bed, I tell myself tomorrow I will be a better mommy. I will have more patience and I won’t yell. Some days I make it until Daddy gets home and some days I don’t even make it until the coffee is finished brewing. There are days that my husband comes home and sees the crazy in my eyes and whisks the girls upstairs and out of my hair before I snap.
I don’t want to wish away the days but I seriously can’t wait for 4.
I KNOW you are not a bad mother. And you know how I know that? ‘Cause we were raised by the BEST!
Yes, you gave me shit for yelling at my girls when we lived at Mom’s and now you see I yelled.
I didn’t tell you then, but I knew you’d face it, too someday. She loves you. She’s testing you. Just like Thing1 and Thing2 did to me. Just like EVERY child does. And the parent that gives in is the one that loses. The child that listens and learns from the discipline is the one that comes out on top. Look at my girls now! So well adjusted that they took it in stride when I did something stupid and moved them across the country, twice! They rolled with it, and we are all ok now. Yes, I have separated us, temporarily, but that’s because Thing2 always listened to Mom better than she did to me. Mom was like her second parent from the time she was born and taking her to Alabama was like removing her from her parent. Now they’re making up for lost time and everyone is better for it. She loves her grandma and was not the same when we were separated. Yes, she’s separated from me and her sister now, but it’s not permanent and it’s not all the time. And the times we spend together now are better for it. And she loves me and misses me and I love her and miss her. This time is a regrouping for all of us. They’re both enjoying being ‘only children’ for a little while.
The discipline thing, well that gets easier in time. But remember you are doing it because you love her and she’ll be fine. You both will.