Tales of Li'l Foot

Dear Dad,

Happy Birthday! Today you would’ve been 73.  Today I want you to know that I miss you.  Today I want you to know what you are missing.

I know we never had that picture perfect father-daughter relationship.  Sure we had our differences.  You were sick.  And I was a teenager at the worst of our relationship.  But when all was said and done and you got the help you needed, I was old enough to appreciate the fact that I had a dad at all.  And I was old enough to realize what I’d be missing if I didn’t set aside my differences with you once you were getting help you needed and weren’t about to hurt me.  It was never a physical hurt, always emotional, with the ups and downs of your illness.  Sometimes verbal with the yelling.  It did hurt.  I’m not going to lie.  But I was so happy we had time to just be a father and daughter, if only for a short time until you passed away in 2001.  Sure, it’s not fair.  I felt gypped out of having a “normal” (whatever that actually is or if it even exists) relationship with you.  But I realize you were sick.  You weren’t “you”.  You weren’t the man mom married all those years before your illness struck.

Today though, I’m not about then, I’m all about the now.  Today I’m about telling you about your granddaughter.  You would’ve loved her dad!  I’m sure of it.  You would’ve fallen all over her.  She’s named after you, ya know…kind of…in the girl version of your name.  If one thing, you loved your grandchildren.  I saw that in your eye when you’d see them.  There was a little sparkle I’d notice when we’d bring them to visit you in the nursing home.  And that little sparkle would be followed closely by a the most genuine loving smile.  Not a full on smile most times…just that little smile you had where one of your sides of your mouth would go into smile mode and the other would stay in place.  I could tell you just knew how beautiful your grandchildren were.

You only had 3 grandchildren at the time you passed away, now you would have 7.  At times I find myself thinking about you and Li’l Foot together.  And what “would have been”.  I imagine what you’d say to her.  I imagine that sparkle in your eye when you see her and your smile.  I was looking through pictures this weekend and found some of the last pictures taken of you with your 3 grandchildren.  I am jealous, if I’m being honest.  I wish I had just one picture of you with Li’l Foot.  Li’l Foot will never know her grandfather.  I know that feeling as I only knew “Boppi” (your mom), as one of my grandparents.  I wish I had known my other 3 grandparents.  Definitely feels like something is missing in that regard.

Last night we had a Lobster dinner to memorialize you.  Mom and Mrs. D. were there.  Moonshine was there too.  You would’ve loved it.  We did it especially to remember you.  Remember those times you and mom and I went to Peaks Island and had our lobster feasts?  Despite being in my teens and that still being a time when you were sick, it was a really good time.  Remember throwing the lobster carcasses on the rocks out back for the seagulls to pick apart?  I wish we had more “good” memories like that one.  We do have some, but I wish we had more.  And I wish you were there last night to see Li’l Foot go to town on her corn on the cob.  Although, maybe not because man…you could take forever to eat your dinner, you’d probably still be there eating it…heehee!!!  Nonetheless, she’d have made you proud.

She’s growing up so fast dad.  And you’re missing it.  And I miss you.  And that makes me sad.  It makes me sad for her that she’ll miss ever knowing you.  Don’t worry, I’ll tell her all about you.  But still, as much as we weren’t perfect you’re both missing out on each other.  What I wouldn’t give to share her with you.  To just let you hold her once.  To have a picture of you smiling at her and her flashing you her happy-go-lucky personality at you just once.  She’s amazing dad.  She’s just the most amazing little girl.  So full of life.  You’d have really enjoyed her.  Mom says she’s just like me when I was little.  If there’s one thing I do remember is that you loved me very much before you got sick.  I know you loved me throughout, but before is when I remember the memories.

I think of you often dad.  I think of you holding your granddaughter.  And then I well up and a teaq rolls down my cheek, because it’s just a dream.  I wish you were here.  So much has happened since you passed away.  Someday I suppose we’ll see each other again.  Someday you’ll meet your granddaughter.

I am sad that I don’t remember the last time I spoke to you.  All I can seem to remember is mom calling me at work that day to tell me you were gone.  I wish I could remember.

I love you dad!  And I miss you!  Wherever you are, if you could just keep an eye on us, I would love that!

Love,

Your Daughter